


It Was Fear of Myself That Made Me Odd

by Myshka



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Astral Plane, Forgiveness, Gen, post-season 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-08 15:54:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15246720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myshka/pseuds/Myshka
Summary: Some unknown time later, Shiro’s consciousness was disturbed. He felt the prickling that ran through his spirit that indicated another presence had arrived and Shiro could not help his frisson of hope. He forced himself to re-materialise, forced the diffuse parts of his spirit to coalesce into a visible form, and turned in joy to where he knew Keith stood.But it was not Keith.





	It Was Fear of Myself That Made Me Odd

The astral plane was once again empty of anyone but Shiro and the Black Lion, an endless swirling nothingness of black and purple with the dim pinpricks of distant stars surrounding an eclipsed moon. Shiro had severed his connection with Keith what felt like moments ago but may have been weeks or even years. The passing of time was hard to gauge in the astral plane, moving in unpredictable fits and starts. Sometimes, Shiro would blink and what the Black Lion would inform him was a month would have passed in the Other World, and other times Shiro could experience the passing of days where only seconds happened on the other side.

For a time, Black was consumed in a battle which required her entire focus and Shiro tapped into their connection to know what was happening when he could, but it required a lot of energy and without Black to help, he was unable to do so for long.

Now though, she was back, and though she said nothing, her presence assured Shiro that Voltron had won. He was glad to have her back- it was lonely and oppressive to be alone here with nothing but an empty Universe for company- but he could not stop his niggling disappointment too. He had expected Keith to return to the astral plane with her. Keith, who had finally found him and who Shiro had wanted to see more than anyone else for a period that was both the span of a heartbeat and an eternity. Of course, Keith would have many duties to attend to after a battle, Shiro rationalised, but it was cold comfort.

Patience, Black soothed through their connection.

Of course. Patience yields focus. Shiro thought back wryly. It was what he was always saying, after all.

And so, Shiro allowed himself to drift once more. With no physical form to anchor him, his spirit existed in an amorphous state, both present and not at the same time.

Some unknown time later, Shiro’s consciousness was disturbed. He felt the prickling that ran through his spirit that indicated another presence had arrived and Shiro could not help his frisson of hope. He forced himself to re-materialise, forced the diffuse parts of his spirit to coalesce into a visible form, and turned in joy to where he knew Keith stood.

But it was not Keith.

Instead, before him stood an exact copy of himself. If Shiro had not known better, he would have thought he was looking in a mirror. The only difference Shiro could discern from when he had last seen himself was that the white fringe was shorter than he remembered and the rest of the hair was not cut in an undercut.

Shiro felt… queasy wasn’t the right word as he was lacking a body with which to feel queasy, but he had no other word to describe the shuddering, roiling feeling that encompassed his consciousness at just what he was seeing. The Imposter. The clone who wore his body, who lived his, Shiro’s, life.

Shiro had no trouble identifying the emotion he felt now: it was pure burning anger.

When Shiro had first awoken in the astral plane, he had been disoriented and afraid. The all-encompassing black broken up only by the occasional splash of deep violet and faint twinkling stars was confusing in a way that Shiro could hardly grasp. Before this, his last memories were of battling Zarkon and a rending pain that tore through his whole body, tearing the very fabric of his being apart at the molecular level. It took him a while (how long, he did not know) to get his bearings enough to notice the dark ominous moon hanging above him and recognise his surroundings as the astral plane.

He had begun to prepare himself for the crushing loneliness that was sure to come, when the Black Lion made her presence known. She explained to him what had happened. He was dead. Despair rolled over him and Black did her best to comfort him. She showed him how their connection allowed him to see through her eyes and how he could, with great concentration, control her physical form’s actions and it helped a little.

When Keith had asked Black to allow him to pilot her, Shiro had felt relief and joy. He and Black both knew that Keith would make a great pilot for her, but, selfishly, Shiro couldn’t help but be happy that he could at least be this close to Keith, even if Keith would never know.

When Keith and Black had found the Imposter floating in that death-pod, Shiro had not known what to feel. He was repulsed to know that something that looked like him but wasn’t existed in the Universe, but he also felt drawn to it, as though their souls were part of one another. He was violated- How dare Haggar take this part of him to use as she pleased? - but he also pitied it and could not turn it away despite his reservations regarding its intentions.

He had refused to accept it as a pilot and Black had agreed with him. Of course she did. Sometimes it was as though Shiro and Black were one entity, sharing one mind in a way he had never experienced as a paladin. It was unsettling and he tried not to think on it too much. He needed to keep his sanity intact, even if he was nothing more than a disembodied spirit floating in the ether.

But when Keith wasn’t there and the Team was in trouble, they had had no choice. For the first time, Shiro had allowed himself to really look into the Imposter’s mind and… saw himself. Its, his, mind reflected Shiro’s thoughts and feelings back at him, a near perfect mirror image. There was indeed something wrong with the Imposter, an aura of something not-quite-right, but he truly and genuinely wanted nothing but to help their friends, he honestly believed he was Shiro, and Shiro could not deny the empathy he felt for his Other. If he’d had a physical body, he would have cried. As it was, Shiro and Black had to let him pilot, if only for the sake of the Universe.

And now they were here, facing one another and neither of them knew how to breach the gap. Shiro had never expected to have to see him like this, where seemingly only a handful of metres (distance was as difficult to accurately ascertain here as time) separated them. He didn’t know what to do.

A long silence stretched between them, neither daring to break it. The Imposter looked frightened, lost, not so different from himself upon first waking up here, or from Keith on his brief visit. Something twisted inside Shiro, but he pushed it aside. He would have to be the one to start.

“Hello,” he said, not sure what the appropriate thing to say in this scenario was. What did a person say to their evil clone, anyway? There wasn’t really a guide on it.

The Imposter did nothing but nod once, slowly, eyes still wide.

“What are you doing here?” he tried after another long pause. It was a good question. How had the Imposter been accepted into the Black Lion’s consciousness? Shiro didn’t invite him here, and he didn’t like the idea that Black may have been able to go behind his back on this while he was stuck inside her consciousness. It drove home that he really had no control at all when it mattered.

“I don’t know. I don’t even know where here is,” the Imposter’s voice shook and became tighter as he continued speaking. “You’re him though. Or me. The original.”

The anger simmering beneath Shiro’s surface grew stronger. This man had done awful things in his name. He had tried to kill the Team, he had tried to kill Keith, and he had done it all while wearing Shiro’s face.

“You’re angry. I’m sorry. I know it means nothing now, but I never would have hurt them if I could have helped it. I didn’t want to do it. I tried to fight it…”

“You’re right. Your apology is meaningless. You did what you did and it can’t be undone.” Shiro knew he was being harsh. Every time the Imposter had piloted Black, Shiro had had a peek into his mind, and he had never seen any thoughts about hurting the others. He had only ever seen thoughts about saving the planets Voltron was defending, about how much he cared about Keith and the rest of the Team, thoughts that echoed Shiro’s exactly. The Imposter had never wanted to hurt anyone, but it was hard to hold onto that when he had hurt them anyway.

Shiro steeled himself and took a step forward. The Imposter watched him warily, looking like he wanted to take a step back in response, but he held still and allowed Shiro to approach with care.

Finally they stood face to face with no more than a foot separating them. Shiro didn’t know why he approached so close. He was drawn to this person who was an exact replica of himself. Maybe it had to do with the DNA they shared. Perhaps because of it, in some strange way, their souls were connected. The Imposter shared Shiro’s physical self; perhaps he shared a piece of his soul too. Shiro reached out his left arm. The Imposter tensed, but he didn’t stop. His hand cupped the Imposter’s cheek and it was an odd sensation, both of feeling something beneath his hand and not. It was the same when he touched Keith’s shoulder before, and it drew Shiro’s attention to his lack of a physical body. It was uncomfortable, distressing even in some ways, but it was better than feeling nothing at all.

“What are you doing?” the Imposter demanded, but he didn’t pull away. Shiro had no explanation.

“Open your mind,” he said instead, “like you would if you were trying to connect with the Black Lion.”

The Imposter looked dubious for a moment before closing his eyes and focusing. Shiro didn’t know why he trusted him; maybe it had to do with his guilt. Shiro focused too.

In a sudden flash, Shiro could feel all of the Imposter’s feelings, see all of his thoughts, as if they were his own. Feelings of guilt, fear, and pain were impossible to distinguish from feelings of anger and loneliness. It was not like connecting with Voltron and the other paladins in the Other World. It was more akin to the connection he shared with the Black Lion in the astral plane where he couldn’t tell where his consciousness ended and the other’s began. Shiro had spent so long denying that he and the Imposter were in any way the same beyond appearance, but he found now that this wasn’t true. They may have had separate bodies, but they shared the same soul, two aspects of one person.

Shiro wanted to rage at what Haggar and her Druids had done, taking some part of his very essence from him and putting it in this shell, but all he could feel was pity for this being that had never had the chance to experience anything else, who had thought, it was clear now, that he had lived an entire life full of all the good and bad the Universe had to offer, but had in fact barely lived at all, had never had his own life to live, never even had his own name.

That wasn’t true though. I wasn’t the only thing he could feel. Beneath his ribs, there was something like love and… wholeness, like some missing part of himself had been returned to him.

He opened his eyes and saw his reflection’s eyes open at the same time, but their connection did not break. He saw tears on the Other’s cheeks, two bright trails reflecting the dim light of this empty place, and he knew he probably looked the same. All of the Other’s memories flowed along the bond, and Shiro knew everything.

“I forgive you,” he whispered, voice rough. There might have been nothing to forgive as none of it was the Imposter’s (and maybe Shiro should come up with a more gracious name for him) fault. He hadn’t asked to be made, after all, and had worked so hard to fight Haggar’s control, but it would comfort him. Shiro was proven justified by the gratefulness he felt. It was hard to separate which emotions and thoughts belonged to whom, but that had to belong to his other self.

“Thank you,” his other self rasped, “I never… I never meant to…” He was struggling to convey his thoughts.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. I know.”

“Yes. I know.”

Shiro didn’t know who leaned forward first, or maybe they moved at the same time, but their foreheads were now leaning together.

“I need to thank you too.”

“Why?”

“For looking out for the Team in my place. For doing everything you could for Voltron and the Coalition. For showing Keith love when I wasn’t there to.” His soul felt heavier, or perhaps denser, from the overabundance of emotion filling him, the astral equivalent of choking up maybe. “None of it was your fault. You were so good. You did nothing I wouldn’t have done in the same situation. So thank you. For living when I couldn’t.”

And maybe he was a bit bitter, but it wasn’t directed at his other self. Towards him he felt nothing but love and gratitude.

They stood there for a while saying nothing, just feeling as one.

“I’m scared, you know,” the Other said, “about what comes after.”

“I know. I’m not sure what comes next either, not for you. And not for me either really. Maybe we’re stuck here together.”

“Maybe.”

It wouldn’t be so bad, to have someone else here with him. Black was great, but she was a sentient robot lion from beyond the Void. Her thought processes were often impenetrable to a mere human, even a dead one.

It was then that the Black Lion entered as part of their connection.

Look, she thought.

Shiro and his Double looked in the direction she had indicated in their minds. A pale blue light was coalescing there, gradually growing to a roughly human size, although it never fully took shape.

“Shiro,” it said in Allura’s voice. They should have guessed based on the Altean blue of the light. “It’s me, Allura.”

“Allura. I didn’t expect to see you again.” Things were heavy and tight again.

“Keith told us what happened. We’re so sorry, Shiro. If we had known, we would have done something sooner.” She sounded regretful.

“It’s all right. There’s not much to do in this case. Being dead is kind of a permanent situation. I tried to warn you about what was going on, but it looks like things worked out any way.” He reached over and squeezed his other self’s hand. He was feeling guilty again. “It’s okay now.”

“Actually, that’s not quite true.”

Shiro felt cold. What did she mean it hadn’t worked out, it wasn’t okay? Black would have told him if something else was wrong, right?

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh, no! I meant about there being nothing to do about you being trapped here in the Black Lion’s consciousness. In Oriande… well, it’s a long story. Suffice it to say that if you trust me, I have a way that I can transfer your consciousness into the clone’s body.”

“Of course I trust you.” Joy was bubbling up in him. The chance to see everyone again, to live again, was everything he had wanted for so long. But beneath it was regret, his or his Double’s it was hard to tell. How could he leave him here, after just getting this part of himself back? His other self smiled at him, but there was an edge of sadness to it.

“Go,” he said, “they need you. Keith needs you. You can’t stay here. I know you want to go, and don’t worry. Things will be okay.”

“Will you be here, waiting for me? I won’t leave you alone. I’ll make sure to visit through my connection to Black.”

“No. I don’t think I will.” His other self’s form was already beginning to fade from the astral plane. Soon there would be nothing left of him, except for what remained of him in Shiro’s soul. “It’s okay, Shiro.”

Go on, Black purred in his mind, Things will work out for us all.

“Shiro, I can’t hold this connection for much longer. We need to do this now.” Allura’s voice was urgent.

“I’m coming, Allura.” Shiro took one step forward and hesitated, looking back at his twin.

“I’ll walk you there.” Their hands were still clasped and he stepped up beside him. Together, with the Black Lion rumbling her encouragement, they walked towards Allura’s presence. Shiro stepped forward into the light, and everything fell away, leaving only darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the most I've written at once in a very long time. It took me a long time to finish it, but here it is, at last! 
> 
> Title from the Alexisonfire song of the same name. Don't ask.
> 
> I can be found on Tumblr at https://malenkamyshka.tumblr.com/


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